Wednesday, February 5
I am so stressed. I have so much homework, but what is most stressful is my mind. I feel so worried that an inevitable doom is coming, and there is nothing in my power to stop it. I honestly probably feel this way because this is how its always been. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yesterday, in my artist’s book class, i ended up having a panic attack. I mean it was not anything crazy, but i couldnt stop shaking, i kept getting sick, and i couldnt ’t breathe. All of this because i cant shake the feeling that something bad is coming. Maybe this is just my OCD, though. But what if it’s not?
Honestly all of this is actually making me more stessed and if i have another panic attack at school im done for…so moving on! I’m finding it so hard to have the motivation to do anything at all. I dont feel like reading, i dont fee’t feel like reaching out to friends. I am not sure why either. Actually, scratch that, I do, but I don't care to talk about it here right now.
My classes are going really well even though im struggling to enjoy them as much as i can. I love all of my teachers and feel excited for some of the things i will be doing throughout the semester!
For this year i wanted to set the goal of 100 books, but there is no way i can acomplish this. I made it to 67 in 2024 and that was when i read 17 books in the month of january alone. I only read two this January. But its okay, i am not going to stress about it and i am not going to set a new goal either. whatever amount of books i read is okay, because at least i am reading and am enjoing it insted of stressing about a number.
On a more sad and depressing note, things are not too great with my health. I havent told anyone other than my mother and my grandmother, but about three months ago i went into outpatient recovery for something i have struggled with for a long time. I want to get better, but it just feels like it will never happen at this point. But im still trying, and thats what matters i suppose!
It does feel really lonely in chicago though. I mean it felt lonely in tennessee too, but i feel so isolated all the time. I wish i could reach out to friends but don’t want to burden anyone with my loneliness and honestly we just haven’t talked as much as we usually do. I just hate my routine: wakeup, walk Benedict, school, home, walk Ben again and sleep. A really thrilling life i live. I guess i just want more for myself? I don’t know…I am getting off on a deep dark tangent and that is not what this blog is for so we will move along.
Okay so i am reading this later in the day and oh my god i was going through it earlier i fear. But in all honesty things are just not great lately. But i really hope things go up from here…but also i am like cursed so its doubtful.
I am currently so very stressed about my large format class. Everything is so technical, and easy to mess up, its just quite a bit to both remember and worry about. Hopefully though, my teacher will guide me through it well enough! I also am realizing…it is 5:00 p.m. and I have to read all of the bell jar for class tomorrow. Gulp. I cannot even lie i am no where near done. I just feel so distracted my mind is so foggy this is a mess. Im also avoiding calling my mother, not because i dont want to talk to her, but because i dont want to be asked questions about how im doing, how school is going, and what im doing. It all is overwhelmingly draining. I will still call her.