Friday, January 24
Hello you! I doubt anyone is going to read this. But it is a new year, and I want to write more frequently in this blog throughout 2025. This year started off rocky. One thing that I've been working on is dating. 2024 was the first time I had tried dating again in 2 years. It was difficult because it was my first time dating an adult. We meet people now through dating apps, which never satisfied me. I spend all my time reading romance, fantasizing about my perfect love, dates, and most importantly, the perfect meet-cute. But unfortunately, this doesn't happen anymore.
I went on a date this past Wednesday. Things went really well, actually, for the first time, I was not in a hostage situation while on a date. I TOUCHED HIS ARM.
I started my second semester as a junior yesterday! I knew what to do and my purpose as an artist. I'm sure this will change as I grow and my beliefs grow with me, but it's comforting to feel like I know myself. I have always struggled to know who I was. In high school, I strived to be loved by everyone, which meant keeping my hair blonde, continuing sports, keeping good grades at all times, and never getting to have any fun or experiment in any sort of way. I remember my senior year; I just realized I was not who I wanted to be. I hated myself. I felt like a copycat version of my friends and had no real interests or personality besides my art. But even my art was still not an accurate portrayal of myself. So, after high school, I shaved my head (even though I was told I would be kicked out if I did so…). I began getting piercings I had always wanted, I made friends who love me for me, and I began to explore the world. I realized that the small bubble I had been trapped in was meaningless. No one cared what I did in Chicago, and it was refreshing. I could wear whatever I wanted, do my makeup how I wanted, and be myself. No one said a thing, and when they did, it was only compliments. I don't know why I went on this tangent, but I think I am a cool person, and I never thought I would think that about myself.
I really want to make a goal for this blog. I just kept getting overwhelmed with school and life, and it was too overwhelming to write about every bad thing that happened. Obviously, I talk about the good stuff, but it begins to feel like there is more bad than good. I want to shoot at least once a week. And I know no one is probably reading this, but if you are, hello. I don't do this because I want to tell people about myself. Still, I like the idea of a lifelog somewhere I can access easily.
In April of last year, shortly after my previous blog post, I had a concussion and then mono back to back. I ended up having chronic mono for around 8 months and am still experiencing symptoms. For 9 months, I have had severe tonsilitis, and it is so painful. It hurts to swallow or eat, and I want this to end. I am so tired physically, but mostly mentally. I guess just a massive part of me is worried something else is wrong, something more worrisome. And let's face it, with my genes, it's probable. I'm just in the midst of a health crisis, unfortunately, and it feels neverending.
But back to this romance of mine, oh my god, I cannot stop blabbing about him. It is such a good story, bringing the biggest smile to my face. But it also scares me; I have never had real and meaningful connections. I'm just scared it will all go away. However, that's life, and I know I would rather risk losing this connection than not having it at all.
Obviously, a lot has happened since I wrote here last. My parents are in the middle of a divorce; my mom moved to an apartment and is moving again to a house in the same neighborhood as our old house. It feels nice, though, as I have so many bad memories of our old house, so this could be a much-needed fresh start. It's also just a beautiful house! I miss being home. Chicago is just a lot for me. It's so overwhelming, and when I get here, I just feel this pit in my stomach; nothing feels right here. And even though I spent so long trying to escape Tennessee, it feels like home there. I feel happy being there.
Honestly, this is all I have to say. I am done yapping. A lot more happened, but I will leave that for another day.